Category Archives: Uncategorized

/ɪˈfɛmərəl/

(First posted 12th May 2013, re-posted 28th Jan 2014)

“I am not a good writer. I was, once, but now I get too caught up in the words. I think about them too much. I care too much about dictionary definitions and connotations. I get lost in metaphors. I can’t send a sentence into the internet without thinking about its permanence. The fact it will now be there forever. The idea of this makes me feel like there is a lot of pressure put on me to make what I am going to write be something that I won’t worry about people reading. I won’t regret an apostrophe, I won’t wish I’d spelt something with an extra ‘r’, I won’t be embarrassed by how liberal I’ve been with exclamation marks. Even there I used a thesaurus to find a synonym of regret (and couldn’t find one that was a true synonym). I am plagued by my desire to please. I don’t want to be ridiculed for my punctuation, grammar, or word choice. Writing, for me, is the equivalent of that outfit that you have in the back of your cupboard, but you won’t wear it because you are too worried about what people will think. Recently I have come to be of the opinion that it doesn’t matter what people think of my outfits, in fact I now believe that it doesn’t matter what people think of my appearance in general. I also no longer care about what people think of what I say. I will say what ever I feel like saying, and use what word choice and grammar I fancy. I am unable to do this for writing though, and I think the reason for this might be that, aside from in photographs and hurt feelings, my outfits and speech don’t leave anything behind. They are almost ephemeral. When I type the words are here to stay in plain view for everyone to see, forever. Or until I delete them.”

The above is from an old blog post from the 9th of May 2012. I think it is still relevant.

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New rule

(First posted 28th Jan 2014)

Okay new rule, I am not going to predict when my next blog will be or what it will be about again. If I have an idea for a blog I am just going to write it there and then and that will be that. Life is too unpredictable for predictions. I set myself up for so many falls by making predictions about what future Kirsty will do. “Future Kirsty will go to the library tomorrow and she will write 1000 words and she will ride her bike and she will go to the shop and buy healthy foods and she will wash all her towels.” These were my predictions for today. In reality what she did was she woke up with a sore stomach, spent all day in bed watching The Carrie Diaries (mindless teen drama which is supposed to be a prequel to Sex And The City), and ordered take away for dinner. Now I am 1000 words behind schedule, under exercised, I have to have noodle soup for breakfast, and I have no clean towels. I need to stop trying to plan ahead like that. I should just set myself the goals of stay healthy, make sure my family and friends know I love them, pass uni, get Scottish independence. Those are really the most important things. Probably not in that order realistically, but still those are the goals I should be thinking about when I go to bed, not silly short term ones. I should plan what uni work I am going to do, what food I am feeling like, what chores and exercise I am feeling up to, all on the day I am doing it. There is no point in planning before because I just constantly disappoint myself and then I end up getting really upset because I have failed at something that should have been so easy. I need to stop being so hard on myself. Yes I have a lot of work to do, and yes there is not much time for me to do it, but I will get there. I have about a month and a half to write 23000 words. That is totally doable. I am reasonably healthy as it is, minus the whole brain disease thing, so just keep eating vegetables, walking to uni/work, and taking my vitamins. I think I can probably set up some sort of automated text that sends to my family and friends every fortnight that says something like “I value you as a person and I love you very much” but it’s probably easier just to eat meals with them and call them on my way to the library, because I need to do those things anyway. As for independence, well if I wear a Yes badge with every outfit and I bring it up in as many conversations as possible then I will hopefully feel less guilty about not making it into the office as often as I would like. As soon as uni is over all I want to do is campaign. We are going to get independence, and so I am certain losing me to my dissertation for a few months won’t damage the campaign too much.

On being cool.

(First posted 28th Jan 2014)

“…there are better things to be than cool.” – Andrea Gibson.

There are better things to be than cool, Andrea Gibson is right. If you know me then you might have already realised that being cool is very low down on my list of priorities. If I am annoyed about something then I tend to make it very clear. If I am excited about something then I make that clear too. I am not one of those people who “plays it cool”. Playing it cool is boring. If something is happening that makes me have feelings, I am gonna let you know.

I get really excited when a good song comes on. I want to sing along. Even if that good song hasn’t actually come on on any real world music device, and is only in my head, I will want to sing along. I might even dance. That will probably mortify some of you, you probably will want to pretend you are not with me or that you have a stomach ache and really need to go home. I am not sorry. That is your problem. Embrace your inner sound system. I am the girl in the street playing air guitar, I am the girl in the office pretending her desk is a drum set, I do use the hairdryer in the swimming pool as microphone, and I will turn my hand bag into a keyboard whilst I sit on the subway. If you do not have a whole hoard of imaginary instruments at your disposal then you are seriously missing out. Imaginary instruments are the best instruments because they aren’t at all heavy, and you don’t actually need to learn how to play them.Imagine yourself to be a rock star. Then you won’t need to pretend to be cool.

I really like stories. And poems. And plays. Like a lot. I might not spend all my days with my head in a book anymore, mostly because if I read fiction when I could be studying then I feel majorly guilty, but the books I have read, I feel a lot of love for. I feel a lot of love for their authors too, and I am not prepared to act like it doesn’t make me extremely excited when I am in the same room as them. I am not going to pretend that I would like anything more than to spend hours discussing my head cannon and how they possibly created such wondrous words. That is who I am. It is the same with actors or musicians or artists or anyone who had created something that I have completely devoured and fallen in love with. Playing it cool in a room with someone who has spent so many hours filling my head with new people, places, and even entire worlds is not on my agenda. I realise they probably are not as keen to talk to me as I am to talk to them, but even if I only speak to them for a minute I will not try to contain myself. I will not calm down. I will not take a “chill pill”. They are, to me, the most amazing people ever and I want them to know this. I want them to feel that the thing they have created has really wowed someone. I want to be myself around them because it’s me that has fallen in love with their work, not cool Kirsty. Cool Kirsty doesn’t exist.

I am angry about a lot of things, a lot of people will know that. I am very political, and I want a world that is fair and violence free. Those are some pretty tough ideologies to belong to and it’s not easy boycotting half the planet. I am not going to stop doing that though, just because it isn’t easy or because it isn’t cool, I’m not going to pretend that my morality is not important so as not to impose or seem weird. If everyone was to sit around playing it cool, not making a fuss, then the world would be a very depressing place to live in. It is up to me, and people who recognise the injustice that surrounds us every day, to speak up and act upon it. In high school I was afraid to be an activist, even up until my third year at university I was afraid. I spent time with people who were too worried about causing a scene to bother standing up for what was right. I still love some of those people very much, but now I realise that if you ignore that part of you then you aren’t just letting yourself down, you are letting everyone down. It is your duty to stop trying to be cool all the time.

Late

(First posted 27th Jan 2014)

Okay, so I was supposed to write a blog about being cool today but I didn’t have time and now I am really tired because I just got home from my friend’s birthday party, and I need to get up early for uni tomorrow, so the blog about being cool will need to wait until tomorrow. That was a really long sentence. Sorry. I am sleepy. Start as you mean to go on right?

The Start of Something New…

(First posted 26th Jan 2014)

This is the start of something. Something both terrifying and liberating. I have a really intense year coming up and I think that if you keep things to yourself, and you don’t share your thoughts and observations, then you spend too much time inside your own head scrutinising everything. If you spend all your time thinking about the things that are already inside your head then there is no space for you to think of new and exciting things, to create new and exciting projects, and to live new and exciting stories.This year is going to really put me through my paces, I know I am going to have some of the best and worst times of my life, and I want to remember it all. I am going to ramble a lot because primarily this blog is for keeping my own head clear. I am going to write a lot that nobody will really care that much about, but also somewhere along the line I hope I will write something that someone believes to be worth reading. I have a new fancy webcam too so I might even up the ante and post some “vlogs” when I get a bit more confident! I am not going to post links to my blog every day, but if you happen to be here and you happen to be reading and you ever feel I have said something that you can relate to, or that someone else needs to read, then please feel more than free to share the link where ever you see fit.

Please always comment if there is something you want to say because I always want to talk, and we can maybe even have some wee debates that inspire future blogs.

I have written countless blogs in the past, but I have always tried to be too fancy. Too artsy. Too cool. I am none of those things, and so this blog is going to be more me. I am going to write another blog later today where I will talk more about being cool. Now it’s time for you all to wait, with bated breath, for the next installment.