intensifyeverything

On turning 26 and leaving 25 behind.

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So it is my birthday. I’m 26. That’s cool. One year left of my mid twenties. I’ve already started using moisturiser designed for people in their late twenties, for no other reasons than it was suitable for vegans and on special offer. I’m so ready for this aging thing. I am looking forward to the day when people stop asking me as soon as they meet me if I am a student. No, not for three years! I just look like one because I am too tired to iron my clothes or get my fringe cut. When my mum was my age I was six months old. I’m really glad I don’t have any babies. That is one life decision I do not regret. There is a lot that I do regret. A lot of them happened when I was 25. I was hoping I’d turn 26 and somehow magically be freed from the weight of all the crap that happened while I was 25. Turns out it doesn’t work like that, who knew! I want to write all about those things. I want to unburden myself of them. I want to exorcise them from my life. I want them off my chest. Off my back. Off my mind. I want to word vomit them out through my fingers and onto this screen. I want them gone so I can leave 25 behind. But it’s tricky. Writing a blog post about your life is tricky.

The trickiest thing about writing a blog post about your life is knowing when to write about other people. That is, when you are writing about a difficult thing in your life and the thing has to something to do with someone else, then by including them in your post you automatically put their business online for the whole world to read. It’s difficult for me to write about my life without including other people in the writing. I guess it’s all about respecting people, and either making it so nobody could ever know who you are talking about, or just leaving them out altogether. Some people totally don’t deserve the respect of not including them for this reason, but they are slightly famous on the internet (in Scotland) (if you are into politics) so might sue you for alleged defamation of character or something. I might still write blogs about such people, but I’m not sure how to yet because of the second trickiest thing, which I’ll tell you about now…

The second trickiest thing about writing a blog post about your life is that sometimes when awful things happen you want the world to know so they can be shocked and can tell whoever is responsible for the awful things that they are a terrible person, or can be comforting and offer you support, or can not be surprised when you act depressed or sad or distant. The hard part is that you might not want to upset the people that love you by talking about the awful things that happen or have happened in your life. You don’t want to upset them because they are the trying so hard to get you through this life in once piece. They are trying so hard and you are scared to let them know that you already broken. The same thing applies to other pieces of writing, when I used to write poetry I would normally write about trivial things or things that happened in the past or not to me, or to cartoon fish. The reason for this wasn’t because I don’t have real personal issues to talk about like everyone else, but the thought of someone I love hearing them and getting upset is too hard. Maybe that’s a cop out.  It probably is.

The reason that I am telling you about these difficult things is that I am going to start trying to write a regular blog despite them. I want to document my 26th year better than I documented my 25th. Maybe I  wouldn’t have made so many bad decisions if I had made myself vent all my emotions onto the internet for everyone to see. Maybe I would have thought “Oh goodness, definitely don’t do that again! The internet will judge you so hard if you go there” and not have gone there.

And I know it doesn’t work like that.

Still let’s try. And maybe it will do something for my writing. And maybe it will do something for my confidence. And maybe it will do something for you. Whoever you are. And I know I have made promises to you before, whoever it is that reads this blog (Daniel, is it still you?), that I will blog more regularly and I didn’t keep them. Maybe I will this time. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe…

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