intensifyeverything

Preface

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Hello, my name is Kirsty and I am a terrible blogger. This is true, not only in the quality of my blogs (whiny boring self centered nonsense that nobody would want to read), but also in the quantity (I haven’t actually blogged for eight months). I read through my old blogs and mostly I am embarrassed, but I have decided not to delete them because there are parts in them that I must keep so that I can occasionally remind myself how far I have come since then, and also how much I have still to grow.

I want to remind you that this is indeed a preface, and that there is a “good bit” coming eventually, just give me another wee moment to update the blog with my life over the past eight months and then I will be able to continue.

In the past eight months everything has been quite terrible.

I feel like that is enough of an update for me to now continue with the preface.

If given a space to talk about myself, whether it be a blog or a “How are you? What have you been up to?” section of a conversation, I will almost always unload the reader/listener with the most depressing load of oversharing that they have ever heard. I will moan not only about my immediate situation (I’m hungry, I’m cold, I have an overwhelming taste of cauliflower in my mouth, etc.) but also about life in general (I’m poor, I’m sick, I can’t find any work, I have been rejected for PIP, etc.). Nobody cares. Okay that is not true, like maybe about five people outside of your immediate family care. And just because they care doesn’t mean you have to unload all this information on them at any given minute, you dour, self centered, boring, woman-child. They, and the others who you are oversharing with, would much prefer if you were telling them about cheerful happy things that actually enriched their day.

I remember when I was working for Yes and whenever I was at an event on behalf of Yes I would have to be this cheery, nice, approachable person who was interesting to talk to. It was actually quite nice because I found that, as this person, I made contacts who actually wanted to stay in touch. It wasn’t until afterwards that they found out what a depressing bat I am that they decided never to speak to me IRL again. It is the same when I am working with kids, no matter how annoyed at the world I am I never let it show to the kids because my time with them is all about fun and learning, and making them like me and want their parents/teachers to invite me back to work with them again. I really enjoy these times. It is almost like a fake it until you make it situation, but it actually really makes me a bit less grumpy for the rest of the day.

It was when I was thinking about this I realised that can’t remember the last time I was happy without faking it. Like properly happy. Nothing else matters kind of happy. Completely consumed by happiness. I am not even sure if that is a thing that can happen. It is for this reason, among others, that I have decided to give myself a little project to firstly try and identify happiness, then identify what creates happiness, and then try and use this knowledge to try and be generally just happier. I mean I have the best friends in the world, my family are a constant source of love and support, I have a really nice flat, and although my purse is sometimes a bit empty I still manage to have a better standard of living than a lot of people who live in this world. I should be happy. At least sometimes.

The project starts on Saturday, it will last until I get bored of it. I was going to make it a year but really those project for a year things are a little stale now because they have been done so many times. I have been reading other people’s thoughts/projects/studies on happiness, and as much as I sometimes do wish I was a wealthy, powerful, super well connected person with an exciting New York social life, I am not (sorry fifteen year old Kirsty, I let you down so much). I don’t think my life experiences and the authors of these happiness books life experiences really overlap very much. I am still going to read their stuff and see what they say, maybe take a few pointers, maybe just enjoy ridiculing them, who knows. Please recommend anything you think I might like.

I also am interested to hear from anyone who might be reading this blog. I mean if you have made it this far down this blog so far I am utterly amazed, you must really be invested now if you have sieved through all of that. Are you happy? When was the last time you felt happy? What does it mean to be happy? What are the key components of happiness? Please do comment!

See you on Saturday x

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