intensifyeverything

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“Good evening, you’re through to Intensify Everything, Kirsty speaking, how can I help you?”

Okay so I was away for a while there. Away from wordpress, away from reality, away from thinking. I was trying really hard to not think. Thinking is the worst best thing. So on the 19th of September I decided to stop. Just have a wee break from thinking. From participating. I think I am just about ready to start again. It is not going to be easy. I don’t really know where to begin to be honest. I guess firing out this blog is a good place to start. Free therapy or something. Let’s talk about all the issues in my life that I have been doing a good job of ignoring.

Scottish Independence – The biggie. So we didn’t win in September and it broke me. That’s fine. That’s the past now. I am strong enough to get back in the game again. But like… what do I do? Everyone else seems to have started concentrating on their political parties. I don’t have a political party. I like bits the SNP and bits of the Greens. I also dislike bits of both. I don’t want to have to pick. I don’t want to have to be on one side or the other. Do I really HAVE to make a decision in order to become fully politically engaged again? I think I might need to. Which is sad, because I don’t want to.

My minimum wage soul sucking job – I work 37.5 to 40 hours a week. I get paid minimum wage. I make roughly £900 a month. My spending works out at around £900 month too… sooo I am not saving any money. Even though the point of working right now is to save up money for like 5 years in order to do my post-grad. I also really hate my job. It is really really pointless. If my job and the other people with the same job as me’s job didn’t exist then the world would be no worse off. If people were suddenly unable to get the service that they get from us then their lives would continue as normal. We don’t really make anything much easier for anyone, occasionally we do help people but there are other ways for these people to receive the same if not better help, and if we didn’t exist then they would be more aware of that. I also get shouted at a lot by people from all around the British isles, and it can be a real drag. It is just really tedious and draining. I want a job that inspires me. Where I actually make a difference to the world in some, albeit small, way. My hours are also really not very good for my MS as I have absolutely no routine, and I am pretty much constantly trying to push myself past chronic pain and fatigue. My memory has gone to pieces because the fatigue and I am forgetting really basic things like how to spell my last name or what day of the week comes after this day. I need a job with proper hours and proper wages so that when I go home to go to sleep I can actually do that instead of lying awake worrying. Only issue is that I am pretty much always exhausted so when I get home from work I have no energy to job hunt, and when I wake up in the morning I am usually just as tired as when I went to bed, I need to rest. I also need to socialise or I will lose my mind*. And when I am not resting or attending to my mental health then I am working. So I have no time to job hunt.

*I think either that or that my friends would end up really resenting me, but that’s not a real thing is it guys…. you wouldn’t really resent me for this would you… :S

My post graduate degree – So as previously mentioned I have so far saved £0 towards the post grad fund. I have also gone on 0 placements because of another thing I previously mentioned, the no time/energy thing. I need to go on placements to even be considered because my degree isn’t good enough. Like if I had a 2.1 or a 1st and a couple of placements then it would still be really hard to get in because it is a hella competitive course. The acceptance grade is a 2.1 and I have a 2.2. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of my 2.2… I did it despite the whole constant pain, constant fatigue, occasional blindness in one eye, occasional loss of use of limbs. My 2.2 is pretty great, considering. People don’t give you much of a chance to “consider” though because they don’t ask for a medical history when you apply for a post grad. Oh well, I just need to do everything I can do. And everything I can do is arranging and going on lots of placements and lots of earning and saving money.

My poetry – You might know that I write performance poetry, you might not. I don’t talk about it an awful lot because I am more often than not in a state of “writers block” or what ever you want to call it. Writer’s block is nothing to be ashamed about, F Scott Fitzgerald even suffered from it. I know that I will always get back to writing eventually, but the frustrating thing is I never know how long it will take. My head gets so full of other things and then my brain goes no, you do not deserve to do the exiting, freeing, wonderful thing that makes you feel more alive than any of the other things. You do not deserve to do this because you have other things to dedicate your time to. Dissertation. Referendum. Finding a job. Finding a flat. Finding another job. Saving money for post grad. Placements. Buying Christmas presents. Laundry. Showering. Eating. Sleeping. Ahhh. Stop! Okay so I need to find a way to get back into writing before eliminating everything from my list. Realistically someone with my personality is never going to have everything eliminated from their list. I have written poems though, despite always having a list, and these poems usually get written at times when I am utterly unable to do anything else. When the poem just can’t not be written, and so it just bursts out of my brain and into my hands and my hands burn and contort until they get a chance to violently type it out, or scribble it down. So I need one  of those times again.

My health – I need to stop messing around with my health. I need to go to bed at reasonable times, eat 3 meals, wear my glasses, take my drugs on time, take naps when I need naps, not be stressed out by stupid things, and just do everything by the book.

SOLUTIONS: Minimise spending and socalising until have found better job. Take up meditation and mindfulness because apparently that stuff sorts your brain out so you can do things like sleep and relax and remember things. I currently think it is a load of poppycock, but it is worth a try right? Who knows, it might even free up enough space in there that a poem manages to squeeze its way out.

Thank you for reading my rant. If you are reading this and thinking “Gee wilkers Kirstycat, you sure do sound like you are pretty snowed under! How the heck can I help?”, well you can help, and that is by letting me know if you see any ads for any jobs you think I might be suitable for.

“Is there anything else I can do for you? No, okay then. Well you have a great day. Thank you for your call. Good bye!”

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